As y'all know, I have been away from Nigeria for close to seven years now, but I still watch and read everything Nigerian, especially blogs. One of these blogs recently published an article written by a self-proclaimed celebrity. His article addressed several ways Nigerian women can please Nigerian men.
My first issue with the article is the word “please.” So I will address my displeasure now while also assuming that this writer has noble intents. Is something wrong with the Nigerian man? Why does he need to be pleased, satisfied, pleasured, without reciprocating these gestures?
The aim of my article is not attack. However, I have also decided to highlight a few ways to “please” a Nigerian woman:
1. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate with me: When was the last time you, Nigerian man, took some time off just to talk to me? Why is this still an issue in 2015? Women are stay at home moms, jugglers (of work, raising kids, being a home keeper), yet some of these women are not even “capable” of addressing their partners by first names. How do you sit “Baba Sunday” or “Brother Stephen” down to have a talk with him? Nigerian man returns home from work at night, gets dressed, and scurries out like a rabbit to hang with his guys.
2. Ask me questions and listeeeen: How about asking me how my day went? Don’t you wanna know how to satisfy me more, sexually and emotionally? Or are you surprised I am a sexual being too? You want to find me sexually attractive; I want to find you sexually attractive too. You want to be pleased; I want to be pleased too. I will give myself freely every time. Will you do the same? No! You want to come back from hanging with your guys and have one minute sex with me. I’m not the only gender the Bible commands. You, too, are commanded: “Deprive not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5).
3. Submit to me too: Yes, the Bible (Ephesians 5:22) says: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” This is probably one of the most misinterpreted verses of the Bible. Controlling Nigerian men keep quoting that verse when they want to justify forceful male domination and female servanthood. Here, Paul meant that everyone should be submissive, not just wives. This is the preceding verse: “Submit yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21), that is, wives submit to husbands, and husbands submit to wives. But, Nigerian man, why does someone keep giving and the other just keeps receiving? Don’t you think that’s massively unfair? You want me to take your name and be Mrs Somebody. You want to watch soccer. I’ll let you. I also want to watch telemundo. But will you let me? You want me to cheer with you during your soccer games. Are you also going to cheer with me when my favorite telemundo is on? Are you going to hold my hand and watch Mistresses with me? I agree; Yes, women are sometimes dependent upon men, but the fact is that men are equally dependent upon women. “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 11:11). They are “heirs together to the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7). The Bible did not ever say: “Husbands, lord over your wives!” The mandate to everyone is that of humility. “All of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility: for God resists the proud, and gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5).
4. Brag about me. Share in my happiness and success: The Bible commands us to “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.” (Romans 12:15) Nigerian man, why are you sulking because I just got a promotion at my job? Why does my PhD degree intimidate you? Why do you want me to constantly live in your shadow? Why is my bank account a mountain before you? Why do you want me to shrink myself to soothe your small ego?
5. Support me at every turn. Be there for me to love me unconditionally: This is God’s command for you as the man. God said, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” (Colossians 3:19). A woman needs help in the small things like changing diapers or doing laundry. But you find those things despicable, demeaning, and belittling. Why oh why? You want me to be intuitive, instinctive, perceptive, and discerning when making decisions. But as your partner, why should I be careful so as not to bruise your ego? Do you know I have an ego too? Why should I walk on eggshells around your ego? Will you also walk on eggshells around mine?
6. Feed me. I am Hungry. I love food too: Can you perform wonders in the kitchen? Can you feed yourself let alone feed me? What is wrong with your own fingers? Do you have leprosy? Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? Is the kitchen too hot? Why can’t you cook? Was I born with cooking genes?
7. Finally, let peace reign!: you dread a nagging woman. I dread a controlling man too. Male domination is a curse. In Genesis 3:16-19 -- “To the woman, He said, I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth. In pain you will bring forth children; yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” But in 2015, thank you Jesus, for I now have a voice. The curse has been lifted. Jesus lifted it. I have needs. I have successes. I have failures. O Nigerian man, I love and respect you. Respect me too. Love me. I am a woman, a powerful one at that.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Saturday, May 23, 2015
In Defense of Feminism: Shaming Rubbish Myopic Views on Submission
Feminism is a vast umbrella that can be best summed up by the idea that “women are people, too.” This means the stay at home mom. This means the Christian woman blogger. This means the girl who politely says “no” to you on the bus. This means the prostitute on the street corner. This means your worst enemy and your best friend are deserving of equal treatment under the law and by their neighbors because they are human beings. For most feminists, this means no strict gender roles or a hierarchy that demands a man be the authority over a woman just because he’s a man and that a woman be submissive and quiet just because she’s a woman. Feminism means allowing both women and men to be themselves as God created them to be – as individuals, not defined by their reproductive system but rather by their personalities, their relationships, their definitions of themselves. It is a movement that prizes people being who they are without being reduced to what equipment they do or don’t have. It is because we love our brothers that we are feminists, not because we hate them.
The notion of women’s rights is sometimes tainted by references to Biblical passages commanding that “husbands should be lords over wives,” and that “wives should be subservient and obedient.” Supported with such passages, some clouded minds will postulate that God initially created the male to always have an edge over the female and have the ultimate final say in important decisions.
In the beginning, man and woman were created equal; neither was superior to the other. Yes, they were different. But they were ultimately equal. In Genesis 2:18-24
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 19 Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Contenders argue that this was only in the old testament though, and things changed over time. However, in the new testament, Jesus was the hugest women's rights activist. This is exemplified in the story of the adulterous woman. She was brought before Christ to be judged and condemned -- her accusers recited Moses’ commands -- that adulterous women be stoned. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with His finger. When they kept on questioning Him, He stood up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."
Jesus then asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and sin no more."
Jesus had compassion for this adulterous woman, recognizing the unfairness of punishing the woman while no attacks were launched at her male accomplice. Jesus treated women as human beings, not slaves or sex objects. And this was during a time when men could not even address women publicly.
Jesus clarified the scriptures and gave hope to the woman at the well, someone who belonged to an outcast race. Moved by sympathy, He resurrected the only son of a widow. He healed the woman who had an issue of blood. He never misused His status. He taught women, healed women, respected women, and accommodated women who were considered "unclean."
Women acknowledged Jesus' unbiased gender-neutral love for all, and they reciprocated His love by acts such as pouring fine perfume on His feet and visiting His tomb when some male apostles (Judas, Peter) betrayed and denied Him. When Christ resurrected from the dead, He appeared first to women, not His apostles.
Yes, women are sometimes dependent upon men, but the fact is that men are equally dependent upon women. “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 11:11). They are “heirs together to the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7).
The Bible did not ever say: “Husbands, lord over your wives!” The mandate to everyone is that of humility. “All of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility: for God resists the proud, and gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5).
Paul makes this clear: we are all children of God through our professed faith and belief in Christ. Consider Paul’s teaching: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). This is probably one of the most misinterpreted verses of the Bible. Here, Paul meant that everyone should be submissive, not just wives. Here is the preceding verse: “Submit yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21), that is, wives submit to husbands, and husbands submit to wives. The Christ-like way to success is through humility and deference, and not through arrogance, apostasy, and forceful domination.
Furthermore, Paul says, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Therefore, we are not to identify ourselves by gender, race, or class. Male domination was a curse!! Genesis 3:16-19 -- "And God said to her (as a punishment), Your husband shall rule over you." But, the good news is that all are now equal in Christ; Jesus came to lift the curse. We are freeeeeee!!!!
- Dianna Anderson
The notion of women’s rights is sometimes tainted by references to Biblical passages commanding that “husbands should be lords over wives,” and that “wives should be subservient and obedient.” Supported with such passages, some clouded minds will postulate that God initially created the male to always have an edge over the female and have the ultimate final say in important decisions.
In the beginning, man and woman were created equal; neither was superior to the other. Yes, they were different. But they were ultimately equal. In Genesis 2:18-24
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 19 Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Contenders argue that this was only in the old testament though, and things changed over time. However, in the new testament, Jesus was the hugest women's rights activist. This is exemplified in the story of the adulterous woman. She was brought before Christ to be judged and condemned -- her accusers recited Moses’ commands -- that adulterous women be stoned. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with His finger. When they kept on questioning Him, He stood up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."
Jesus then asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and sin no more."
Jesus had compassion for this adulterous woman, recognizing the unfairness of punishing the woman while no attacks were launched at her male accomplice. Jesus treated women as human beings, not slaves or sex objects. And this was during a time when men could not even address women publicly.
Jesus clarified the scriptures and gave hope to the woman at the well, someone who belonged to an outcast race. Moved by sympathy, He resurrected the only son of a widow. He healed the woman who had an issue of blood. He never misused His status. He taught women, healed women, respected women, and accommodated women who were considered "unclean."
Women acknowledged Jesus' unbiased gender-neutral love for all, and they reciprocated His love by acts such as pouring fine perfume on His feet and visiting His tomb when some male apostles (Judas, Peter) betrayed and denied Him. When Christ resurrected from the dead, He appeared first to women, not His apostles.
Yes, women are sometimes dependent upon men, but the fact is that men are equally dependent upon women. “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 11:11). They are “heirs together to the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7).
The Bible did not ever say: “Husbands, lord over your wives!” The mandate to everyone is that of humility. “All of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility: for God resists the proud, and gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5).
Paul makes this clear: we are all children of God through our professed faith and belief in Christ. Consider Paul’s teaching: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). This is probably one of the most misinterpreted verses of the Bible. Here, Paul meant that everyone should be submissive, not just wives. Here is the preceding verse: “Submit yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21), that is, wives submit to husbands, and husbands submit to wives. The Christ-like way to success is through humility and deference, and not through arrogance, apostasy, and forceful domination.
Furthermore, Paul says, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Therefore, we are not to identify ourselves by gender, race, or class. Male domination was a curse!! Genesis 3:16-19 -- "And God said to her (as a punishment), Your husband shall rule over you." But, the good news is that all are now equal in Christ; Jesus came to lift the curse. We are freeeeeee!!!!
I rest my case.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Slut Shaming, “Ashawo” Syndrome, Body Count, and Oda Tinz
“A slut is someone, usually a woman, who’s stepped outside of the very narrow lane that good girls are supposed to stay within. Sluts are loud. They’re messy. They don’t behave. In fact, the original definition of “slut” meant “untidy woman.” But since we live in a world that relies on women to be tidy in all ways, to be quiet and obedient and agreeable and available (but never aggressive), those of us who color outside of the lines get called sluts. And that word is meant to keep us in line.”
― Jaclyn Friedman
This useless popular saying reminds me of my childhood in Nigeria: “Women are supposed to be seen, not heard.” I have been away from Nigeria for close to seven years now, but I still watch and read everything Nigerian. This is what keeps my nigerianness alive. I often go on reading feats, reading Nigerian gossip and entertainment blogs. One of these blogs, bellanaija, particularly addresses controversial topics that stir intellectual conversations. This blog recently published an article about feminism: a Nigerian woman had shared an interesting story on twitter. While she was in a taxi, the man who sat next to her asked for her phone number. When she refused to give it to him, he proceeded to pay everyone else’s cab fare except for the girl’s. (In Nigeria, cabs usually carry four to six people. Hence, one passenger paying others' cab fare is an act of ultimate generosity).
I may be reading too much into this man’s actions, but I think he did that to “spite” the girl. Because he felt like he was entitled to her number, she needed to be taught a lesson.
These were my reactions to that story -- Really? Sad. He’s childish. He’s immature. What was he trying to achieve?
― Jaclyn Friedman
This useless popular saying reminds me of my childhood in Nigeria: “Women are supposed to be seen, not heard.” I have been away from Nigeria for close to seven years now, but I still watch and read everything Nigerian. This is what keeps my nigerianness alive. I often go on reading feats, reading Nigerian gossip and entertainment blogs. One of these blogs, bellanaija, particularly addresses controversial topics that stir intellectual conversations. This blog recently published an article about feminism: a Nigerian woman had shared an interesting story on twitter. While she was in a taxi, the man who sat next to her asked for her phone number. When she refused to give it to him, he proceeded to pay everyone else’s cab fare except for the girl’s. (In Nigeria, cabs usually carry four to six people. Hence, one passenger paying others' cab fare is an act of ultimate generosity).
I may be reading too much into this man’s actions, but I think he did that to “spite” the girl. Because he felt like he was entitled to her number, she needed to be taught a lesson.
These were my reactions to that story -- Really? Sad. He’s childish. He’s immature. What was he trying to achieve?
You wonder, perhaps, how this story ties into feminism. Well it does! Male entitlement is a feminism issue. Nigerian men especially feel like they are entitled to women reciprocating feelings of affection. Hence, some of these men don’t handle rejection well. It soils their ego. Why would anyone say no to me? The girl is not even all that! Why won’t she give me her number? Her shakara is too much. These are the same men who slut shame women and won’t hesitate to call women ashawos (prostitutes) when women date too many men.
I ask: What’s “too many?” Who defines dating normalcy? What number is too much? Three? Six? Ten?
I ask: What’s “too many?” Who defines dating normalcy? What number is too much? Three? Six? Ten?
Nico Lang says “there’s nothing in the world that unites people like hatred. This is why the internet exists.” I couldn’t agree more. Nigerians will especially mar with words as long as they know anonymity is guaranteed, sitting behind computers and chatting away like epileptic parrots (says Ngozi).
So, this is where I’m going. The reactions to the aforementioned article were even more agitating than the original twitter story. This particular comment infuriated me (paraphrased):
See what your dirty ego caused you. It’s not like you’re a virgin or something.
It’s not like she's a virgin. Really? So because she is not a virgin, she should start distributing her number to every cow, pig, and goat on the street? She should start accumulating “body count” so that you with your big head and pot belly can now come back and call her a slut?
On this body count issue, here is a hilarious video a friend sent me via whats app:
I couldn’t help but LOL. Infact, in Nigerian pidgin, LWKMD. Boy likes girl. Girl tells boy she has slept with 64 men and is now HIV positive. Boy takes off!
My Bible tells me, in 2 Corinthians 5:17-19 (NIV), that:
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.
Except for that HIV wahala (which could actually have been discussed), this self-proclaimed Christian brother should not have taken off. That move was cowardly. If you really love someone and claim that God spoke to you about that someone, you won't take off because of "body count." The girl in the video (I assume) is now saved. Old things have passed away. She is a new creature!
Ladies, know this: nobody should slut shame you or call you a prostitute because of the number of men you may or may not have slept with. Genuine repentance reconciles us to God. Your relationship with God is all that matters. God is the ultimate judge of character. Don’t live your life to please anyone or define yourself by what others say.
Maybe I am just an angry feminist. According to another reader of bellanaija, here’s another way to look at the twitter story: It is human nature to react to certain disappointments or rejection in certain ways. The fact that he acted that way towards her was his reaction to disappointment and not necessarily to belittle her gender or to “punish” her.
Let me know what y’all think o!!
So, this is where I’m going. The reactions to the aforementioned article were even more agitating than the original twitter story. This particular comment infuriated me (paraphrased):
See what your dirty ego caused you. It’s not like you’re a virgin or something.
It’s not like she's a virgin. Really? So because she is not a virgin, she should start distributing her number to every cow, pig, and goat on the street? She should start accumulating “body count” so that you with your big head and pot belly can now come back and call her a slut?
On this body count issue, here is a hilarious video a friend sent me via whats app:
I couldn’t help but LOL. Infact, in Nigerian pidgin, LWKMD. Boy likes girl. Girl tells boy she has slept with 64 men and is now HIV positive. Boy takes off!
My Bible tells me, in 2 Corinthians 5:17-19 (NIV), that:
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.
Except for that HIV wahala (which could actually have been discussed), this self-proclaimed Christian brother should not have taken off. That move was cowardly. If you really love someone and claim that God spoke to you about that someone, you won't take off because of "body count." The girl in the video (I assume) is now saved. Old things have passed away. She is a new creature!
Ladies, know this: nobody should slut shame you or call you a prostitute because of the number of men you may or may not have slept with. Genuine repentance reconciles us to God. Your relationship with God is all that matters. God is the ultimate judge of character. Don’t live your life to please anyone or define yourself by what others say.
Maybe I am just an angry feminist. According to another reader of bellanaija, here’s another way to look at the twitter story: It is human nature to react to certain disappointments or rejection in certain ways. The fact that he acted that way towards her was his reaction to disappointment and not necessarily to belittle her gender or to “punish” her.
Let me know what y’all think o!!
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